Tin-canned stupidity.

Little child, little child.

2012-01-17T04:16:00.000-08:00

(sauce)

Today, a couple of people from my uni's church organization (we're a non-sectarian school, but eh, you know) visited our Debate class and was urging us to find our calling. Something about singleness, marriage and other stuff. Then the sister said that they're vocation is all about acceptance-- I wanted to raise my hand and ask her about her views regarding LGBT. But surprisingly, I held myself back. I did spend 10 years in a Catholic school and the sister looked so delicate.

I think I just accidentally made a deal with the devil. This wasn't supposed to happen. But then, it's inevitable. I have to keep up and do it if I want to be at peace.

I'm very much aware of the fact that I'm letting school eat me up whole again. Mostly because I have nothing better to do and I've bitten off more than I can chew. Maybe it's because I'm bitter about something and I'm trying to forget?

My meal consisted of 1.5L worth of milk tea, 2 packs of nori strips, a glass of milk and strawberry-flavored gummi. I'm quite proud of the fact that my stomach hasn't declared war with me yet. Maybe after I attack that plate of chicken adobo downstairs?

A rep from this company that I applied for called me. She asked for my age and my year level in college. She then rejected me over the phone for being too young and under-qualified. So much for a lovely summer with cash ugh

The never ending mystery surrounding feelings...

2012-01-14T23:56:00.000-08:00

(sauce)

I found myself losing track of time again. I only have one day off every week and I almost always end up using it to settle other shit that I couldn't finish while I'm at school. Barely two weeks since 2012 started and I've already made enough excuses on why I wasn't able to do this or that. It's not that I have poor time-management skills, it's just that I don't have the audacity to decline responsibilities that people chuck in my face. I end up getting too much and running out of hours to fulfill everything.

And now I have lost my train of thought.

The things that broke brats do.

2011-12-01T04:33:00.000-08:00

There's this place that me and a couple of friends have been hanging out in recently. Today, I couldn't come to class because it was raining and I was still sick as shit.

We're all trying to quit smoking, but seeing that we're failing-- yep.

And we're starting to question why our boyfriends/girlfriends put up with us. I told them that mine couldn't put up with me so he left. They laughed. I laughed. But nothing was funny. Now I have to rethink everything and wonder why things happened.

Nobody.

2011-11-26T19:09:00.000-08:00

People were asking me how my 18th went. It was all sorts of shitty and happy at the same time.
But I am not here to talk about that. I am here to talk about-- Actually, Idk where my fingers will take me.

As per usual, it is morning and there is nothing to eat in this house. There's some sort of creamy noodle soup (which I dislike with a vengeance) boiling on the stove, but it's for lunch. So, like what I have been doing since Tuesday morning, I ate instant noodles for breakfast. This will have to do until 3PM today. I found oranges on the table too-- so I guess I won't go hungry. But man, I should stop with eating instant shit.

Been invited to a talk from an embassy representative on Dec 12th. Crossing my fingers that I get something out of this. 2 years, dude. I've been waiting for this for sooooo long! I hope it results in good stuff!

Anyway, now I am bored.

Of growing old.

2011-11-17T04:43:00.000-08:00

I've always been good at lying about feelings. But no matter how much I conceal them all, when everything is silent and nobody's there, I end up thinking and feeling guilty about not doing anything about my feelings.

Sometimes, I end up accidentally hurting someone because I'm a fucking coward.

You.

2011-11-06T05:26:00.000-08:00

I really want to write something for you. You listen. You care. But you're not around that much and surprisingly... it hurts me a bit. No matter how much I lie about my feelings, they surface. It's only been a few hours and I'm already pulling my hair. I am trying to respect your space, but if it my fault that I am such a clingy little bitch?

Hey you. I want you to say hi to me so I can stroke your ego and you can love me back.

2011-10-21T04:14:00.001-07:00

And she kissed his forehead and lulled him to sleep. She tried to hold back her tears and not tell him any of her troubles. She didn't want him to worry. Then again, she never asked anything from him. She doubted her own feelings for him.

Nobody will care.

2011-10-20T06:02:00.000-07:00

At this point, I've already stopped smoking. At this point, I've already gone past the point of hoping that you'd want me back.

And you don't have to know that I cry myself to sleep at night thinking of the consequences. You'll never read this anyway. You never even look twice at me. Sure, it's a bit... obsessive on my part. Because I did change. A lot.

Just. Ugh. Whatever. Let me sink into a hole or something.

Tuesday night and all I want is to smoke.

2011-10-11T06:56:00.000-07:00

Anyway, the earlier words were incoherent, no?

Been listening to Third Eye Blind all night. I've never felt this lonely.

Hey, I need you.

And oh, I need to tag posts properly.

In the midst of breaking laws just to get to school...

2011-10-11T02:44:00.000-07:00

So today, my earphones broke. They're expensive and it triggered me to get so fucking pissed at such an early hour. I was running late for school and I had a final exam for PE to attend. I crossed this very, very wide street and I didn't notice that the light for pedestrians wasn't green. I only found out when a police car honked at me. I did something illegal and I didn't care at all. But I did feel guilty about it after I reached school. What if they arrested me?!

I was also looking through the photos of E's graduation on Facebook. I realized that I won't be having a fancy party with 18 roses etc because...

He won't be there to give me my final rose.

I'm being too sentimental about some guy who wouldn't give a shit about me in a million years.

Let me leave this post for a while so I can ponder about my mistakes.

Blinking cursor.

2011-10-10T06:06:00.000-07:00

Happy 19th. I don't know what to write. You'll be forever one of my first loves and my forever best friend. Despite the fact that you only talk to me lately because you need shit (then again, we're all like this, aren't we?) and you're too busy with your girlfriend. Man, you're getting old and I'm on my way to that path next month.

[fictional # 3] Shot Through The Heart.

2011-10-09T05:35:00.000-07:00

Fictional, baby.

---

To celebrate my coming-of-age, I decided to go on a trip. The beach was one of the stupidest and yet, the best places to visit this time of your. The cool winds are starting to take over the country and there weren't a lot of people on that beautiful island down south. You being my companion was just a spur-of-the-moment thing. You graduated a couple of months ago and you have yet to celebrate your so-called freedom. Hiding the fact that I'll be accompanied by a guy from my parents, we left the capital at 5 fucking AM.

I secretly hated you for booking an early flight. But then, my anger lifted when you leaned your head on my shoulder and slept peacefully like a baby. There was something oddly comforting about it that I can't really identify.

We did things separately during our 3-day stay on the island. Nothing special happened. Heck, we even slept on the same bed and we didn't dare touch each other. We just agreed that we were two cheap college kids who refused to pay for an extra bed when we can fit into one and still sleep peacefully.

During our last night, we went out together. It was at the hotel bar and it was so packed with people (which was saying something, since there aren't a lot of people on the island). They had a challenge for the night: Down 17 shots of various mixes and if you're still standing by the end of it, you don't get charged for your stay. Again, you were a total cheapskate. I told you to not push through with the challenge. But noooo, you had to show off.

The 17 shots were poured and placed in front of you. You quickly downed them and by your 8th shot, you were already looking green.

"Hey, I can't finish this." you whispered to me with your arms around my shoulders.

The crowd was already jeering you. Somehow, I felt sorry for you and I had to save you.

"Yo, pour me my own batch of 17 shots. Fuck, make it 20? If I can make it, my friend's tab and mine would be on the house, deal?" I said, trying my best to look cool. The bartender laughed at me.

"What the hell are you thinking, you can't finish 20!" you said, your drunkenness suddenly leaving your body.

"Watch me."

I downed shot after shot. Surprisingly, by the time it was over, I was only a little bit tipsy. The bartender agreed to the deal and we were both happy.

You downed the remaining shots that you left for your challenge. You were too drunk to walk.

I helped you walk up until we reached our room. I even cleaned you up despite the pounding on my head. Before you slept, you hugged me tightly and kissed me.

"I love you. I'm sorry if I can only speak when I'm drunk..."

The hangover didn't hurt when we woke up. But you freaked out and asked me if you confessed while you were drunk. It hurts, thinking that you might never have the courage to say anything while you're sane.

We could be perfectly fucked up together, you know.

---

Please call me in the middle of the night if in case your mind changes.

2011-10-08T07:06:00.000-07:00

Another fictional snippet from that notebook.

---

"I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU!" I repeated them over and over again, begging you to stay. I don't want it to be another one of those cliches. But then again, we were in love, right? As much as I hate to admit it, I've taken you for granted.

I took a drag from my first cigarette.My head started spinning and then I felt high. You always told me you didn't like smokers. Well, you hate me now if I'm not mistaken. I can now do anything that I want.

Except give you a tight hug.

---

Pretty short. I need to finish some papers.

I'd pluck out stars from heaven just for you.

2011-10-08T04:59:00.000-07:00

I'd like to take a rest from things. Sooner or later, this blog will turn into a proper one. I need to abandon LiveJournal.

A fictional story from that pretty, red book.

2011-10-07T08:51:00.000-07:00

From time to time, I shall write out the stories from my journal. And this will be the first installment :)

---

I stood there by the cathedral's big doors. Taking a deep breath as that familiar feeling embraced me again. It felt weird, coming to the church on a "normal day".

I looked at the long aisle in the middle and imagined you standing at the altar. In my mind, you were wearing that dark blue suit that you always wore during special occasions. You called it your "lucky" suit and you refused to buy a new one despite the fact that it was getting snug on some places.

Was this cathedral always this big? Because I swear, the last time that we were both here, the place seemed so small. I never liked crowds but you always weaved through them coolly. You would always do anything to attend Sunday mass, even if you're tired from work. I would always rant quietly and tell you that there's a smaller chapel nearby but you always insisted on going to this big cathedral. But then once the mass starts, I'll become quiet and smile secretly. You are... an angel-- most of the time.

I looked at the altar again. Images are still flashing through my mind. But at this rate, I should just ignore them. It gets me too excited. I don't want to get my hopes up.

I felt my chest tighten as I walked in the middle of the aisle. The cathedral was empty and all I had to do was visit the office on the right side of that beautiful altar.

What would it be like to get married in this beautiful church?

Will I cry because I'm happy that I'm finally getting married after more than twenty years of waiting?

Or will I cry because you look so handsome in your suit that I'll barely recognize you?

To be quite honest, I will never be sure. You never talked about things openly. You hid behind your cryptic words and sometimes, you tend to lie to me about your true feelings. It's like you let me in, but you won't even let me touch anything. I never bothered to pry, in fear of losing you.

By the time I reached the end of the altar, I was already on the verge of tears; but I was still holding them in. It would not be wise to talk to the bishop while I'm crying. I don't want the old man to be worried.

I sat outside the waiting benches in front of the main office. There were a couple of people waiting there. Probably some who are there to get the cathedral reserved for baptisms, thanksgiving masses-- or maybe even marriages. There was a young woman sitting beside me. She looked so beautiful and so happy. An envelope was on her lap and she had a faint smile on her face as she carefully skimmed through the documents inside. I guessed that she was getting married as evident on the beautiful ring on her finger.

"Hi! Are you here to reserve the church for your wedding, too?"

"Congratulations." I replied with a smile. "He is a very lucky guy."

"Ah, don't say that. So, are you getting married, too?"

I remembered that image of you standing at the end of the altar and felt my chest tighten again. I had a hard time shaking my head.

"Then what are you here for? Ah, I know! You're gonna have your child baptized here?" she asked again.

I thought it was time to answer truthfully. She might pry further if I don't say anything.

"I'm here to reserve a date for my fiance's requiem mass." I said quietly. I expected tears to start flowing out but the wind started blowing, and I felt a familiar warmth around me.

"Oh. I'm sorry."

She didn't sound sorry at all. She actually sounded as if I insulted her and ruined her happiness. But I didn't care.

The first time we said hello, it was at this cathedral. I'd have to make sure that for our final goodbye, it'll be at a place that's memorable for you.

The image of you in that old suit appeared again. This time, not at the end of the altar, but inside that intricately-designed mahogany casket who's price would've made you mad if you were still here.

I tried so hard to picture you again by the altar.

This is the only time that I wished I could marry and live inside a memory instead.

---

FIN.

Wordless understanding.

2011-10-06T02:54:00.000-07:00

And there you were, lying on the couch as you quietly contemplate about what we're gonna eat for dinner. You kept throwing out suggestions and I just kept nodding while I lean my head on the couch's arm-rest with a book in my hands. You got a little bit annoyed because you said I wasn't "cooperating" enough and I only answered back with a smile. And then you told me that no matter what happens, you'll only want to eat dinner with me even if it's just salt and water.

--------

The excerpt above was found on one of my random "writing" journals back in high school. It needs improvement. I don't know what I was implying when I wrote it-- but it's just there.

Been so fidgety lately. I think it's because of the Finals week at school. I don't do those "grace under pressure" thingies that some of my seniors are telling me about. I start ricocheting off the walls everytime I get pressured to finish a lot of stuff. Maybe this Saturday we can get video-proof! All i want is for Finals week to be done. My last exam happens on the 19th and holy hell, I have 3 exams for Algebra ALONE. Wish me luck.

Overheard: Me being anxious.

2011-10-04T04:33:00.000-07:00

Friend 1: How do you feel?
Me: Alive.
Friend 1: No, really?
Me: Can you shut up for a second? I'm trying to not think of shit.
Friend 1: Does it involve a naked guy?
Me: YOU KNOW ME SO WELL OMG.

---------

I've been coughing all day. It's the most fucking annoying thing in the world-- EVER.

The 4th Drink Instinct.

2011-10-03T05:33:00.000-07:00

I have no idea-- for the nth time in my young life-- why I over-obsess about the tiniest things in the world. I feel like crying but nothing, and I do mean NOTHING, is coming out. I have the fakest laugh and smile right now. I'm not genuinely happy.

Depression is creeping within me and I feel so breathless. Someone sucked out all the oxygen and bits of my soul. I'm beating myself up. Fuck, I might end up being so self-destructive. I haven't eaten properly. Not that I don't want to; my body just shuts down when I get too stressed. I actually thought I was so fucking stress-free until that weird event on Facebook happened.

They're all there. Fate just handed these out to us and now I'm scared shitless. The cyber age only made Fate's mind-games worse. Every night I end up thinking about the things I've seen. Somehow, there is this feeling within me that I can't identify properly. I don't know if this is pure excitement or fear.

My dad told me last time about how I should make lemonade when life gives me lemons. I get what he means, I just don't know what I'd do with the five lemons that hit me hard on the chest. Somehow, I feel violated.

Oh well, paranoia fucks with me every month.

xo. KP

Test

2011-02-23T19:21:00.001-08:00